Fantasies, big and small, are a part of daily life. They represent our desires, curiosities, and aspirations, ranging from romantic and sexual to adventurous and imaginative. Whether we call them fantasies, daydreams, or manifestations, everyone has them.
Despite how common fantasies are, many struggle to understand whether or how to act on them. Pursuing a fantasy is an exhilarating experience, but it requires careful consideration, communication, and awareness of personal and external boundaries.
What Is a Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental story, thought, or image that gets you excited. Fantasies can be divided into two broad categories: an idea you like to think about or something you want to try. Both possibilities satisfy psychological and emotional needs. Understanding these categories helps determine the nature of your fantasies and whether they should be pursued.
Sexual fantasies involve intimate desires and encounters that excite us. They range from new positions and environments to role-playing and group scenarios.
These fantasies can be romantic as well, such as scenes where your partner makes a grand gesture that leads to passionate sex or a romantic encounter in the midst of a great storm. It’s a fantasy; it can be anything you want.
Fantasies can also make us question our desires. In a world that for so long has treated sex and desire as taboo, people tend to worry whether their private thoughts are “normal.” Rarely are we fantasizing about silent missionary with no eye contact, which is the only sexual expression society seems to accept - even if barely.
By exploring fantasies, sharing them with a partner, and becoming comfortable with exploration, imagination and curiosity can invite joy and excitement into your sex life.
Why Pursue Fantasies?
Pursuing fantasies is emotionally and psychologically beneficial. Exploring your sexuality and pleasure enhances self-awareness, allowing individuals to better understand their desires, values, and boundaries. Heightened self-awareness leads to confidence and acceptance, radiating into other areas of life.
This enhanced understanding improves communication in relationships. When we understand ourselves better, we know how to share our wants with our partners. Not only will this kind of communication strengthen relationships and promote intimacy, it can lead to better sex. Communication enables couples to act on desires in a consensual and safe manner, creating excitement, satisfaction, and connection.
Pursuing fantasies, even just communicating fantasies, forces you to step out of your comfort zone. Testing your emotional boundaries can lead to personal growth and encourage new ways of thinking. Accepting fantasies inspires creativity and confidence, bringing excitement to relationships and solo play.
How to Recognize Whether to Pursue a Fantasy
Deciding whether to pursue a fantasy requires thought and consideration. After all, some fantasies live out their purpose in our heads.
Below are some factors to help you figure out if acting on your fantasy is the right choice.
What’s the motivation behind your fantasy?
Ask yourself what appeals to you about this fantasy. Does it allude to a deeper desire, add excitement to your life, or satisfy a need? Understanding the underlying motivation behind pursuing your fantasy will help you determine whether it aligns with your physical desires and your partner's desires.
Consider who’s impacted by your fantasy
Ask yourself: does this fantasy involve others, and do you have their consent? Are there safety concerns for yourself or your partner? Will you need to outline boundaries or a safe word?
A fantasy is worth pursuing if it’s safe, consensual, and ethical. Exploring these ideas and deciding if it’s worth pursuing allows you to plan the details of enacting a fantasy. Once again, consider who’s impacted by your idea and involve them in the discussion.
Assess Feasibility
Not all fantasies are created equal; some are more practical than others. For example, couples who wish to try bondage for the first time only need a bandana or necktie. On the other hand, a first-time group scenario will require planning, conversations on boundaries, and finding someone you and your partner are comfortable with.
Before going forward with a fantasy, consider the resources, time, and effort required. Attention to detail makes fantasies possible.
Gauge Emotional Readiness
Pursuing a fantasy can evoke unexpected feelings, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Before trying something new in a relationship, consider whether you and your partner are emotionally prepared for the outcomes and be prepared to navigate tricky conversations.
How to Pursue Fantasies Safely
If you’ve decided to pursue your fantasy, congratulations! You’ve considered practicality, ethics, and mutual potential for pleasure and determined this fantasy is a go. Now, it’s time to prioritize safety, consent, and respect.
Here are a few ideas to help navigate making your fantasy a reality:
1. Start Small
Test the water by scaling your fantasy down a notch or two. If you dream of traveling the world, you might start with a short trip to somewhere new but nearby. The same goes for fantasies.
If you’ve never acted out an elaborate desire, start with something small and familiar. Starting small could mean buying a new sex toy to explore related pleasure, watching pornography with your partner to gain familiarity, or trying small role-play or power-play scenarios.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Communicate what you’re thinking and feeling to establish effective boundaries. Pursuing a fantasy is based on continued consent. Ask yourself:
● What about this am I attracted to? What makes me uncomfortable?
● What are my partner's limits? What are mine?
● How can we communicate if our boundaries are being pushed?
Be Transparent
Feeling respected and understood requires mutual honesty. Transparency is key to ensuring a comfortable and safe sexual experience.
When discussing your fantasy with your partner, lay out your expectations and invite them to do the same. Frame the conversation inclusively by addressing each other’s pleasure and comfort. Use “us” as often as you can. Transparency throughout this conversation guarantees an honest expression of reservations, boundaries, and needs.
Remember to check in with each other afterward and approach this conversation with the same attention, respect, and honesty.
Prioritize Consent
If your fantasy involves another person, you want their most enthusiastic consent. Having an excited partner who’s enjoying themselves makes a fantasy fun.
Consent should be informed, voluntary, and reversible. Both parties should fully understand what’s being proposed. No one should be pressured to be involved. And anyone can change their mind and revoke consent at any time.
Be Safe
As with any sexual encounter, fantasy or not, safety is a priority.
Use protection, designate a safe word or signal, and read any instructions for toys or equipment involved. Your partner is your best resource when it comes to safety.
Reflect
After pursuing a fantasy, take a little time to reflect on your experience. Fantasies can be a one-off or an ongoing addition to your relationship.
Since all of the planning and work up to this point has involved honesty and respect, asking your partner if they’d like to explore this fantasy further will be easy. You’ve developed an ongoing dialogue enabling each other to speak truthfully about sexual pleasure, fantasy, and expectations. Even if the fantasy didn’t go as planned or turned into a huge laugh, you’ve grown your relationship and deepened your connection.
Fantasies Should Be Fun
Sexual fantasies are thoughts that turn us on. We all have a little something in our minds that gets us excited. Whether to pursue these ideas requires consideration, open communication, and acceptance. Sometimes, we want our fantasies to remain our own, while at other times, we want our partner involved. By exploring the practicality and impact of your fantasy, you can make informed decisions about how to pursue them. When pursued responsibility, fantasies can foster individual confidence and acceptance, deepen relationships, and, above all, they’re a lot of fun. Sharing and pursuing a fantasy is an opportunity to get to know yourself and your partner better. With a little planning, a lot of conversations, and full transparency, pursuing a fantasy is pleasurable, comfortable, and exciting.