Discussing intimacy can feel daunting, even with a long-term partner. And forget about it in a new relationship. Open and honest communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship, but many people are left in the dark about how to cultivate this. Fear of rejection, judgment, and discomfort can stop you from speaking up about your needs and desires in the bedroom. Everyone has the right to ask for what they need, and when approached with respect and honesty, vulnerability is rewarded. Communicating your wants and needs will lead to greater intimacy, satisfaction, and trust with your partner.
Beginning these conversations can be intimidating. By understanding the difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘desire’, and their respective importance, opening up can feel a little more natural. In this article, we’ve put together a list of strategies for fostering open dialogue about sexual and emotional expectations to help you communicate effectively in the bedroom.
What’s the Difference Between a "Need" and a "Desire?"
It’s easy to confuse “needs” and “desires.” Society tends to use the two interchangeably, making it difficult to understand what we’re looking for with our partner. Knowing the difference can clarify communication, allowing you to ask for exactly what you’re looking for.
Mainly, needs and desires represent different levels of importance in an intimate relationship. “Wanting” to spice up your sex life and “needing” to are two separate ideas.
Needs
A ‘need’ is essential for a person’s emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. When it comes to sex and intimacy, needs can be related to feeling safe, emotionally connected, or respected. For example, you could communicate your need for your partner to respect your boundaries, or to slow down to that you can connect more fully during sex.
On the other hand, needs could involve specific preferences that contribute to sexual satisfaction. For instance, you could need your partner to spend more time focusing on your pleasure rather than bypassing it. This is often an issue in intimate relationships when one partner has trouble climaxing or being present, and can be remedied with communication.
It can be difficult to justify some of these ideas as “needs,” but recognising the significance your intimate relationship has in your life is the first step. Your pleasure, and your partner’s pleasure, matters.
Not all sexual requests are needs. It’s crucial not to brand every desire as a “need,” which can be unfair to your partner and misrepresentative of yourself.
Great examples of needs:
- Feeling emotionally connected before and during sex
- Clear and ongoing consent
- Physical and emotional safety and comfort
- Honest communication
- Equal prioritisation of pleasure
Desires
Desires are something that a person wants but doesn’t depend on to feel satisfied or fulfilled. Desires are flexible, adaptable, and can change over time. Unlike needs, desires won’t necessarily cause emotional or physical distress if left unmet. Though, fulfilling them can strengthen intimate relationships by enhancing pleasure, excitement, and connection.
The grey area here is “needing” your partner to fulfill your “desires,” This is a really tricky statement that calls into question consent. As mentioned, desires are flexible but they’re also your own. To fulfill a desire, your partner needs to consent and telling them it’s “make or break” is a troublesome dialogue that erodes comfort and trust. Often the root desire of this dialogue is a want to be heard and pleasured, or a desire for newness. With this in mind, it’s much easier to discuss boundaries and versions of a particular desire that satisfy you and your partner.
This same technique of finding the root of your desire works in any conversation about intimate wants. A fantasy of outdoor sex could come from a root desire of altering your patterns. Consider starting in the living room first, see how that goes.
Great examples of desires:
- Experimenting with different positions
- Fulfilling fantasies
- Using toys or other accessories
- Exploring role-play or power dynamics
How To Communicate Your Needs and Desires
Effective, healthy communication requires that both partners feel heard and respected throughout the conversation. Approach discussions about intimate desires and needs with openness, empathy, and clarity. This might take a little forethought and be scary at first, but it will pay off over time with each conversation getting easier and your sexy-time getting better.
1. Create a Safe and Judgment-Free Space
The biggest hurdle in communicating openly is the fear of rejection and judgment. It’s why we tend to avoid being vulnerable. But this doesn’t have to stop you anymore. Bypassing this fear is as easy as agreeing with your partner ahead of time not to judge one another. In doing so, you create a judgment-free environment allowing you to share without fear of shame or rejection.
Ways to cultivate a safe space for communication:
- Choose a relaxed setting to talk without distractions, preferably private
- Avoid judging your partner, treat them the way you want to be treated
- Approach your conversation with curiosity
- Express your appreciation of your partner when they share something personal
2. Use “I” Statements
“I” statements are a staple of couples therapy and great for heathy communication. They communicate personal feelings without placing blame or causing the other person to feel defensive.
Constructing an “I” statement is simple. Begin with “I” followed by a verb such as feel, like, or enjoy. Follow this with the cause of that feeling, usually signified by the word “when” or a question.
Instead of saying, “You don’t last long enough in bed,” try out something like, “I feel like my pleasure isn’t a priority when we skip foreplay and move quickly.”
Similarly, when discussing desires or fantasies you can phrase them as “I” statements. Instead of “I want to try power play,” try, “I think exploring power dynamics would be really hot, is that something you’d be interested in?”
3. Be Honest, But Understanding
Honesty is key to effective communication, but the way our feelings are delivered can make a big difference. Now isn’t the time to be blunt or critical. Rather, try to express your needs with care to foster deeper understanding of the conversation and your partner.
For example, if you need more build-up to feel aroused, avoid framing it as a fault of your partner’s. You can use “I” statements or ask them by saying something like, “next time we have sex, could we slow down in the beginning and take some time build tension?”
4. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions encourage dialogue and compromise. They’re a perfect way to understand each others wants and needs and to delineate a boundary for consent. By avoiding demands and critiques, you show your partner that you care about their perspective and are seeking a solution together.
Examples of questions to ask:
● “What makes you feel connected during intimacy?”
● “Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t shared with me?”
● “Are there ways I can make you feel more desired and appreciated?”
5. Revisit the Conversation
You’ve established a safe, judgment-free space to communicate your needs and desires. You’ve been honest with your partner, learned phrasing techniques to ask open-ended questions, and strengthened your comfort and trust with your partner.
Now, it’s time revisit. A week, a month, or even half an hour after the first chat, check in and see how they’re feeling. Needs and desires evolve over time, it’s beneficial to circle back regularly to see where your partner is at. Continuing to revisit the conversation will help it become a natural part of your relationship. One day, you might even find yourself checking in briefly over coffee.
Use these check-ins as an opportunity to celebrate your growth as a couple. You can adjust your expectations and add new desires to the list, at this point you’re professional communicators.