Fantasizing is a natural part of being human. We fantasize about the lives we’re chasing, the relationships we want to have, and about what we’d like to try out in the bedroom. Sharing fantasies with your partner deepens your emotional connection and allows them to help make these fantasies come true. Although, sharing our deepest desires, especially our sexual fantasies, can be intimidating. “What if they think I’m weird? What if I hurt their feelings? What if…?”
What if sharing fantasies strengthens trust and connection? By communicating your wants to your partner, you open the door for them to do the same. This encourages exploration in your relationship and a deeper understanding of each other.
Starting-off Easy: Everyone Fantasizes
In a culture that constantly shares their thoughts and feelings online, why is it still so difficult to talk about our sexual desires? Fantasies range from creative and personal goals to wild sexual imaginings. Understanding how natural and common fantasies are sets the stage for open dialogue with your partner. At the end of the day, communicating your fantasies doesn’t mean acting them out.
There are three places to start the conversation: personal aspirations and daydreams, romantic ideals, and sexual fantasies.
Sexual fantasies are the first type that usually come to mind, but an easier way to begin an ongoing dialogue with your partner might be personal fantasies. Start by sharing future life milestones, like building a dream home or starting a business. Or, talk to them about adventures and daydreams, visions of traveling the world together or racing away from the scene of a crime on a speedboat. These are just fantasies. They can range from practical to out of this world.
By communicating these dreams, the conversation becomes about creating a safe space to share. Couples can then move on to, or even start with, romantic fantasies that focus on emotional connection and their ideal relationship. Again, these fantasies can be realistic goals, such as living together or growing old together, or something more fantastical, such as grand gestures, exotic dates, or fairy-tale moments.
Romantic fantasies naturally progress to sexual fantasies. After all, where does your exotic date idea lead? Building a relationship of trust and communication through sharing desires of all kinds makes traditionally uncomfortable topics easier to address.
Sexual fantasies include scenarios or activities that ignite physical attraction and desire. These can include, but are in no way limited to, role-playing, sex toys, voyeurism, exhibitionism, or exploring dynamics and power.
Ways to Communicate Sexual Fantasies with Your Partner
Openly sharing fantasies requires trust, mutual respect, and understanding. The following strategies can help create a comfortable environment to let your partner in.
1. Create a Safe Environment
Choose a private, relaxed setting where you both feel comfortable and present. Consider setting ground rules, such as allowing each other to express thoughts fully, listening without judgment, and ensuring that mutual consent is the only way you’ll move forward with any fantasy.
Also, let your partner know this is just an opportunity to share. While you can begin to make plans to fulfill fantasies if both parties consent, neither of you is responsible for anything other than sharing and listening.
2. Ease Into the Conversation
Start by discussing what you’re comfortable with or sticking to general topics. Talk about your current sexual activity and pinpoint what you enjoy and what turns you on most. Or ask questions that can prompt a more exploratory conversation. For instance, “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try on a date?” or “What’s your favorite romantic or sexual memory?”
Starting with broader topics helps reduce pressure and eases couples into more specific, vulnerable discussions.
3. Reference Media as a Conversation Starter
Great neutral starting points are books, movies, or articles you can reference that hint at your fantasies. Using an external reference makes the topic feel less personal, shifting the fear of rejection to a third party and allowing you to open up gradually.
For example, you could reference a scene from a movie. Mention what appealed to you about it and ask if it’s something your partner would be interested in.
Another way to spark the conversation using media is by getting their opinion on a video or post from social media. With increased sexual wellness social media accounts and blogs, finding an expert opinion on sexual dynamics or something more lighthearted and comedic is easy and a great way to segue from an idea to a personal conversation.
4. Share Your Vulnerabilities
If you’re initiating the conversation, lead with your vulnerability and any insecurities. Let your partner know you’re nervous and a little scared—they probably are, too.
A great way to start the conversation is to say, “I’ve been thinking of ways we could connect more deeply, and I have something I’d like to share, but I’m nervous. Can we talk openly about it?”
5. Phrase Fantasies Inclusively
Frame your fantasy in a way that includes your partner’s enjoyment. Instead of asking them to do something for you, try focusing on “us.”
“I think it could be fun for us to try… What do you think?” or “I’d love to explore something new together, and I want to hear what excites you, too.”
Inclusive phrasing emphasizes that this conversation and any exploration of fantasy is for both of you to enjoy.
6. Openly Receive Feedback
Your partner may not respond enthusiastically to every idea, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s perfectly normal. Try to approach their responses with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
If they’re hesitant to comment or respond to your fantasy, ask them their thoughts or if there’s any part of the idea that did turn them on. If they reject the idea, allow them to do so without judgment. Their consent is theirs to give. If they express difficulty with the nature of the conversation, explore that with them.
Sexual exploration comes with external difficulties. Shame, embarrassment, and lack of education keep couples from opening up about their fantasies and trying new things. Sometimes, even admitting an idea excites us is hard.
Two-way conversations allow for creativity, compromise, and collaboration.
7. Respect Boundaries
Not every fantasy will be or needs to be acted on. Remain aware of your partner’s comfort levels and limits.
For example, if you’d like to try bondage, understand your partner’s boundaries and make sure you’re fully aware of their limits before beginning. Establish safety procedures, fully communicate each other’s limits, and end the conversation or fantasy when necessary.
You'll build even more trust by respecting your partner’s boundaries from the beginning. If an idea isn’t appealing to both of you, try finding other ways to connect or solve what didn’t work.
If you and your partner decide to go forward with a fantasy, consent still matters. If consent changes at any point, you stop immediately.
8. Utilize Tools and Resources
Relationship games, apps, and quizzes are designed to spark these conversations. They’re tools that can be approached as fun, silly date ideas, making them perfect for couples looking to dive into deeper conversations. Plus, they provide a structure to help partners express themselves when they aren’t sure how to.
Sharing Fantasies Strengthens Relationships
The benefits of sharing desires with your partner are endless. Not only will it benefit your relationship, but sharing fantasies improves individual well-being.
Sharing vulnerable feelings builds trust and fosters intimacy. When both partners feel heard and accepted, their emotional bond strengthens and their personal confidence soars.
An ongoing open dialogue teaches partners how to navigate sensitive topics and understand each other’s desires better. It also leads to a more fulfilling, adventurous sex life, even if fantasies remain unfulfilled. Just the act of sharing ideas reignites curiosity and communicates to your partner what turns you on.
New experiences, whether romantic, sexual, or adventurous, lead to growth. Insight into your partner’s inner world encourages deeper emotional understanding, empathy, and vulnerability, solidifying your commitment to one another.